Abraham

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A life-sized artist's rendition of Abraham
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Abraham, (also referred to as Å or occasionally Jordan Backs) is a rather dynamic figure with a strong work ethic and has been widely regarded as a pretty cool guy.

Jordan's origins are unknown, although Tim an undisclosed source indicates that it definitely involved mudkips.

Some have speculated he is named after the 16th president of the United States, Abraham Lincoln. However, it's actually the other way around.

Abraham is a published novelist, but good luck getting him to admit that. He is actually 1'4", as can be seen in the life-sized picture on the right. His cousin is King Shoopusdawhoopus.

Recent studies have shown that Abraham is a gentleman and a scholar, much like Kevin.

Canadian tradition dictates that people near Jordan must exclaim "JORDAN!!" whenever something happens, especially when he makes a pun. Jordan likes puns. A lot. Especially bad ones.

 
 
JORDAN!
 

 

— Everyone


Also, this one time Jordan brought multigrain crackers and almond milk to a party after agreeing to bring 'drinks and snacks'.

Abraham in popular culture

Most Interesting Man.png

See also: Abraham in literature and Tales of Abraham

People often tag Jordan as objects in random pictures on Abraham's Facebook profile. Nobody really knows why, but it's probably just because it's really, really funny.

Abraham has released several rap albums. A sample of his work can be found here: File:Jordan's Rap.mp3

The video game Fallout 3 contains a statue of Abraham, though it has no head. He also played a key role in the 1990 film The Civil War.

Abraham is well known for the large amount of time he invests in Left 4 Dead. To honor his dedication, Valve Entertainment has decided to create a sequel entitled Left 5 Dead, which abandons the zombie apocalypse plotline and is instead based around the everyday life of Abraham. Future sequels include Left 2 Die, Left 5 Dead 2, and Left 1 Behind.

Abraham has been referenced in an XKCD comic. Abraham played a key role in the plot of such best-sellers as Twilight and The Bible.

Abraham's various forms
 
 
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
 

 

— Hebrews 11:8


 
 
Keep up the good work, Abraham.
 

 

— God


Several video games are focused around Abraham including Catch the Abraham and The Adventures of Abraham.

The Abraham Effect

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This section needs more equations. You can help by adding some.

Simulated gravitational lensing (black hole going past a background galaxy).

Similar to the gravitational lensing effect exhibited by massive stellar bodies, such as that caused by Schwarzschild black holes passing in front of other galaxies, refracting and magnifying images of that galaxy [1]; the Abraham Effect occurs whenever Jordan is placed nearby another person. This phenomenon magnifies all the trolling tendencies normally exhibited by that person, almost identically to how images are magnified when passing around a black hole.

Abraham represents a trollitationally huge body, that bends the curvature of spacetime such that the natural carriers of the troll-force, so called Trollitons, are focused towards anyone near Jordan. This lensing of the Trollitrons directly causes the above average observed tendency of people around Jordan to troll him.

The Troll Force can be represented using an inverse square law, as well as a bunch of other laws just thrown in there:

\Sigma \vec{F}_{troll}=\int_{0}^{\infty}\left(\frac{A_0\cdot m_A}{r^2}\right)dr=\left [ \frac{\partial^2 \theta }{\partial x^2} \left(\frac{\frac{1}{\frac{1+1}{1}}\left(\frac{1\cdot 3\cdot 5\cdot 7\cdot...\cdot 1029n}{1+1+2+3+5+8+13+...}\right)\cdot e^{e^{e^{e^{e^{e^{e^{e^{e^{e^{e^{k}}}}}}}}}}}}{\frac{1}{x+\frac{1}{x+\frac{1}{x}}}+\frac{x}{1+\frac{1}{x}}\cdot \oint_{e}^{\pi}\coprod_{i=1}^{A_0}\vec{\nabla} f(x) \begin{vmatrix}
A_0 & r^3 & m_A\\ 
m_e & m_s & k\\ 
\sqrt[A_0]{\theta} & \frac{\pi}{\sigma } & \int e^{x^2} \cdot dx
\end{vmatrix}}  \right) \cdot dx \right ]^{\left( \frac{-b\pm\sqrt{b^2-4ac}}{2a}\right)^{1.7CH_3COOH}}

Where A_0 is the Abraham Constant, m_A is the mass of Abraham (roughly 77.11 ± 0.10 kg), and r is the distance between Abraham and an observer. The exact value of the Abraham constant has yet to be determined experimentally. Abraham has thus far refused to give us even an approximation or order of magnitude.

An enigma will spontaneously combust if ever to come into contact with a Jordan.

Jordan's personal life

Jordan in his spare time

Abraham frequently quotes Red vs. Blue, as he adores this web-series.

Abraham has memorized more digits of \pi than any other known human being.

Abraham can generally be found in places such as cities, towns, and Canadian territories. He can also be found in the isolation of the deep wild, thinking ponderous thoughts about the very essence of time and space— thoughts which would cause a lesser man's head to implode.

 
 
It's an eerie thought: Jordan quietly stalking his victim, ready to huskily whisper his corniest pun-- a phrase undoubtedly cobbled together in the darkest recesses of hell. The thought of the maize-ery it will bring his prey makes him smile insanely from ear to ear.
 

 

Kevin


Abraham loves puns. Seriously. This one time he went to a play and laughed hysterically for 10 minutes at a pun that nobody else found funny.

If anyone ever asks you how to describe Abraham in one word, you should probably use 'whimsical'.

Abraham's favourites

Ever since Abraham began memorizing digits of \pi in the mid 90's, the world record for the number of digits of \pi memorized has skyrocketed.
Music
  • Party in the U.S.A - Miley Cyrus
  • Sinatra Arctica
  • Muse
Video Games
  • Star Wars: Advanced Drop Operational Combat (PTSD)
  • Age of Umpires
  • Left 5 Dead
Internet
  • Daily Babe: College Edition
  • Wired
  • Anime (esp. Cowboy Bebop)
Beverages
  • Oasis "Fruit Zoo" juiceboxes, particularly the one with the creepy monkey on it
  • Perrier
  • Plain water, when perrier is unavailable
  • Ice wine
  • Manhattans
  • Coffee with Kahlua

Political career

Template:Current In addition to being a well-known director and rap artist, Abraham is quite involved in politics. He usually campaigns by advocating free lunches for everyone. He is currently campaigning to become the Student's Union president, and soon after the president of the world.

Ways to annoy Jordan

Abraham's preferred pastime

Trolling Abraham is an age-old practice that has delighted many. Here are the most effective ways to troll him:

One of Jordan's campaign posters
  • Argue with him about PC games versus Xbox games
  • Tell him that there are better games than Left 5 Dead, such as Call of Derp: Modern ODST 3.
  • Tell him to teach his children Dvorak.
  • Spam his wall.
  • Start a debate with him, and when he eventually agrees with you, immediately switch sides.
  • Criticize him of leaving early when he heads home at 3:00 AM.
  • Eat chips on his bed. (It's super effective!)
Abraham in his default state
  • Refute all of his arguments with "NO U".
  • Offer to take him out for dinner, then pick somewhere greasy like A&W. Especially if he already had a burger that week.
  • Make him lose The Game.
  • Make a wiki page about him.
  • Mention the wiki page about him.
  • Sit in class next to him and open up said wiki page.
  • Ask him to bring salsa to a party.
  • Offer him white bread.
  • Refer to him as Abraham, which annoys him even though it's his real name.
  • "Borrow" his $20 writing utensils.
  • Buy fries, ask if he wants any, then add salt before handing them to him.
  • Tell him you like his Gryffindor shirt.
  • Double dip.
  • Tell him to buy an iPad. He already did, this one won't work anymore!
  • Write a really long list of ways to annoy him.




Jordanisms

A common response to Jordan's puns

The following are actual quotes from Jordan.

  • "It's pretty satisfying being able to just ram people."
  • "Pain goes away, drugs are bad, chicks dig scars. That's all you need to know."
  • "Just woo them with sensual music, then they can't be mad at you anymore."
  • "I've always found that a good lunch improves my day."
  • "I'll be right back, I'm just gonna go wash my face."
  • "To each their own."
  • "God dammit, guys..."
  • "I never used to cuss before I met you."
  • "Chicks dig scars."
  • "Lol XD"
  • "It's not delivery, it's Delissio!"
  • "I could really go for some brain food right about now."
  • "Quite the conundrum indeed."
  • "Turn at the invisible bricks."
  • "Don't believe everything you see on the internet."
  • "No, I'm not going to say anything, because if I do you'll just put it on the wiki."
  • "The average American gets roughly four times their recommended daily intake of sodium."
  • "I read something on Wired last night that you might be interested in..."
  • "Caprica is an awesome sci-fi show... it reminds me of a Shakespearean tragedy in many ways."
  • "I need to rest."
  • "Sleep is overrated."
  • "SNOWMAN, in excitement letters!"
  • "I've given up all hope in humanity." (Jordan protesting a walrus mustache being put on a drawing of him)
  • "You would..."
    Abraham (far right) at the Last Supper
  • "I'm taking a risk."
  • "Does anyone want some grapes?!"
  • "That's it, take another sensual bite..."
  • "Needless to say, I'm not sticking my USB in this computer today."
  • "Now I know how Jesus felt."
  • "I am very contagious."
  • "Very few people know my fish preference."
  • "People resort to me when they're bored."
  • "Do I have to take my shirt off?!"
  • "I say yes, I do like crepes. They're tasty and incredibly versatile: breakfast, lunch, dinner, sweet or salty."
  • "I have a monthly quota to meet, ya know."
  • "Buttons are like buttons on a website."
  • "It's very hard to tell what I'm going to say next."
  • "Good food builds character, okay?!"
  • "Watch as I walk, my head bobs up and down."
  • "Pants are optional, though I usually wear them when shirtlessly updating my status. It's more gratifying that way."
  • "Do you have any idea what that one gram of sugar will do to me?"
  • "Oh dear, I seem to have caused quite a kerfuffle in world history... class"
  • "Setting up a good ambush is a kind of art."
  • "Hold on a minute. I need to assess the feng shui."
  • "God suggests that you share, because sharing is caring."
  • "Sorry, copypasta isn't on the menu for a midnight snack."
  • "My favorite pick-me-up is Dragonforce."
  • "Batteries work in mysterious ways."
  • "Don't quote me on that."
  • "It's important to have a song for every occasion."

Personality

Why Abraham is a good person

How to appease Abraham
  • He gives you free Timbits
  • He doesn't spend all his money on alcohol
  • He was in The Bible
  • He saves paper by writing in barcode
  • He rates MMOWGs
  • He's almost Korean
  • He's on the American penny
  • He has his own personal theater
  • He has Abraham-like skills
  • He has the featured article on the SD Wiki
  • He supports Unicorn Sharks
  • He always pays in exact change
 
 
I say yes, I do like crepes. They're tasty and incredibly versatile: breakfast, lunch, dinner, sweet or salty.
 

 

— Jordan


Why Abraham is a bad person

  • He'll delete your System32. If that fails to crash your computer, he'll open ∞ tabs on your computer.
  • His puns induce entropy, therefore bringing an end to existence several picoseconds sooner than it would have happened otherwise.
  • He makes you lose The Game.
  • He burns out your LCD screen with laser pointers, somehow.

Known Abraham aliases

An image of Jordan found in a cave in Africa, estimated to have been painted around 50,000 BC
  • Å
  • J. Backs
  • Stan
  • JAJB
  • Jesús
  • Jornat
  • Jordant
  • Jordizzle
  • Jordanium
  • Jorzan the Wise
  • The Jazzy Fizzle
  • Yokohama
  • Gordon Freechman
  • Backspin
  • Backs-To-The-Future
  • Harry Potter
  • AJ
  • Jordan Abraham Janzen Backs
  • Jonathan Banks
  • Jordan
  • Abraham
  • Giordano
  • Got-Your-Backs
  • Nadroj
  • Jorn@
  • Yordan
  • Jordan the Xtremeinator
  • Luke Jordanwalker
  • Ordan the Smuggler

Trivia

Staff of Jordan.jpg
  • For some reason, Jordan uses inverted controls when playing a console game. He also uses the highest possible sensitivity.
  • When Jordan tells a pun, he'll stand there and grin and look around at everyone until someone finally laughs.
  • Jordan is always late, unless it's for work or school.
  • Jordan is one bad mutha. He's probably a ninja or some other badass profession like a pornstar, super-athlete or even CEO of your mom. Jordan makes good money, certainly more than you, though you're not exactly sure how.

Cult of Abraham

Though unconfirmed, Abraham is rumored to have a cult following. Little is known about the supposed cult except for their six axioms, found inscribed on stone tablets:

  1. ThOV ShALT NOT VNDERESTIMATE ThE POWER OF A GOOD LVNCh
  2. ThOV ShALT WASh ThY FACE ThRICE PER MOON
  3. ThOV ShALT MONITORETh ThY SODIVM INTAKE
  4. ThOV ShALT OFFER GRAPES TO ThINE PVBLICK
  5. ThOV ShALT READ ThY WIRED ARTICLES AND CITETh SEVEN EACh FORTNIGHT
  6. ThOV ShALT SVBJECT ThY KOMPANIONS TO VNRELENTING PVNS